While out in BC visiting my Uncle, just after graduating high school, I sat in the open window in the back of the house. I looked out toward a mountain to the back and a house to the west. The yard to the west was unkempt. Uncle John had told me, upon my arrival, that a little boy had passed away there only a couple of weeks before. Uncle John said the family was devastated and felt lost. I sat in the window wondering about death and life. And this poem came to me. I grabbed a small brown paper bag and wrote the poem down. I found it years later and recognized my struggle.
The land of His is in front of us
Should we go ahead?
To be good and true and happy
Always go they said.
The first step is mine you say
For I have many fears
Would I be good enough?
Could I resist temptation?
Or would I be a letdown in His eyes?
Should I step out?
Lest I fall down, down, down
And what would be before me then?
I was right about a few things when I was 19. It is a choice to be in a relationship with God and the first step was mine. Not really though because Jesus took the first step by dying on the cross so I could have that choice. My fears though were wrong; Would I be good enough? I didn’t have to be good enough but I didn’t know that. It was Jesus death on the cross that makes me righteous in God’s sight, not anything I could do. Our sinful nature makes us so we can't be in the presence of God who is perfect and Holy. My righteousness is like filthy rags the Bible says and on my own merit I could never get into a relationship with Him or into Heaven. I'm so glad He paid the price for me to be righteous in His sight.
Could I resist temptation? God sets us free from sin and when we choose to listen and be led by the Holy Spirit we will be able to resist temptation. And when we make mistakes we ask for forgiveness and we are forgiven. (When we see the truth about God and are in a relationship with Him the reality of that relationship makes a person want to please God and live the way He wants us to. I’m not talking about a story here, I’m talking about a love that you can experience.) Ephesians 3:19a and [that you may come] to know [practically, through personal experience] the love of Christ which far surpasses [mere] knowledge [without experience].
Would I be a letdown in His eyes? I was so afraid that the things I had done wrong and continued to do wrong would make me a disappointment to God and that He wouldn't want to have anything to do with me especially when I messed up. God doesn’t see me in my sinful or fallen nature, He sees me righteous because of Jesus sacrifice to pay for my wrong doings. So after I asked Him to forgive my sins and be the Lord of my life I won’t be a letdown in His sight.
Should I step out? And unequivocal yes, yes, yes! It took me many years to take that step.
Lest I fall down, down, down, and what would be before me then… Nothing.
If I could go back and talk to me back then, I would say “Don’t wait. Take the step, even better jump. He is there and He will catch you. You won’t fall.